supermoist banana cake with Italian Merengue frosting

So I had some bananas left over yet again so once more I made the amazing banana cake from my last blog but this time I had a heap of egg whites left over from a lemon meringue pie (unusual that with a meringue you'd have left over whites not yolks). Anywho I googled for an hour trying to find a way to use them and went with the Italian meringue which is amazingly easy.

Italian Meringue Frosting

1 cup white sugar
1/3 cup water
1/4 tsp cream of tartar
2 egg whites
1 tsp vanilla extract or the seeds of one pod scraped

1. Add water, sugar and tartar to a small saucepan, cook over a medium heat until the sugar is dissolved and bubbling.

2. In a mixing bowl beat the eggs white and vanilla to soft peaks, with the mixer still going (stand mixers are handy for this type of work) slowly start pouring the sugar syrup into the egg whites. Beat until the mixture is all combined, glossy and lost most of its heat. This will take about 5-7 minutes.

3. Frost your cake or eat straight from the bowl.


This recipe made a heap of frosting, enough for me to use it as a filling for my cake as well as quite thickly on top and all around the cake.

Next time I make this cake I think I will toast some shredded coconut or flakes and coast the frosting with that. Extra flavour, texture and colour.

I'm doing a bit of baking this week so hopefully I won't be so lazy about writing posts now that I have finished my certificate. Upcoming are salted caramel, salted caramel chocolate brownies, chocolate hazelnut meringue torte and the mother of all chocolate cakes. 

Banana, raspberry and walnut cake

I've been a bit lacking in the baking department lately but I had some bananas that were past the point where I enjoy eating them so I though't I'd whip up a banana cake. I didn't want just a plain banana cake or bread though so I found a recipe on the Thermomix community; tweaked it slightly and boy was it tasty.

Kirby's Banana, Raspberry and Walnut Cake w/ Maple Cream Cheese Icing

Ingredients

• 130 g softened unsalted butter (or if you are using salted then omit the salt later on)
• 120 g raw sugar
• 2 eggs
• 3 medium bananas
• 300 g Self Raising Flour
• 1/2 tsp Bi Carb Soda
• 4 Tbs Milk or Buttermilk
• chopped walnuts (adjust to preference) plus extra to decorate
• pinch of salt
• frozen raspberries (adjust to preference)
• 250 g block of softened cream cheese
• 75 g softened unsalted butter
• 40 g maple syrup (I never use imitation syrup as it tastes disgusting)
• 2 C icing sugar (adjust to how sweet you like it)

Method

Preheat oven at 180 degrees.

Grease and line your cake pan.

Mix sugar for 10 seconds on speed 9.

Add butter and cream on speed 5 for 10 seconds.

Mix again on speed 5 and add one egg at a time for about 10 seconds.

Add bananas and mix again for about 10 seconds.

Add flour, salt, bi-carb soda and milk and mix for 20 seconds on speed 5.

Add chopped walnuts and mix on   speed 4 for 10 seconds or until just combined. 

Pour half the batter into cake pan and spread to cover the base.

Dot as many frozen raspberries as you want to use around the mix then pour remaining batter over the top and evening it out.

Bake for about 30 minutes or until a skewer comes out clean.
Cool in the pan for 10 minutes then turn out onto a wire rack.

Icing

I made my icing using Gertie (Kitchenaid mixer) but you could do this in your Herman too. Just pop the cream cheese, butter and syrup into the bowl and mix speed 6 until smooth, you may have to stop a couple of times and scrape the bowl to make sure it all gets mixed. Add half the icing sugar and mix again until smooth, add last cup of sugar and mix again.  

Once the cake is completely cooled spread over your icing and top with extra chopped walnuts. 

I forgot to set the timer when I put this in the oven so 30 minutes is a rough guess on how long it will take.

steamy banana cake

so I'm taking my blog in a different direction now, there'll still be posts about my ongoing cancer appointments and my life in general but I'm going to focus it on my cooking and thermomix escapades.

So here's the first installment of Kirby's Not Drunk Kitchen. (Youtube 'My Drunk Kitchen' for a few laughs)

I've had a Tupperware microwave steamer for a couple of years now and I hardly used it, I bought it after we got back from Bali and trying their steamed pandan and coconut cakes. Naturally I never made any.
Well I found a recipe for a steamed banana and coconut cake and thought what better time to try it than now as all the work would be done by Herman (my thermomix) with a little help from me.

Now I tweaked the original recipe a little so here's the original Thermomix Community recipe.

These cakes were so moist and full of flavour, I'm going to track down some pandan extract and try them again.

Steamed Banana and Coconut Cakes

Prep time: 10 minutes
Cook time 25 minutes

Makes approximately 12 cupcake size portions

• 75g butter
• 2 very ripe bananas
• 1 ripe banana cut into thick slices
• 1 egg
• 100g raw sugar
• 160g coconut milk (or any type of milk; cows, nut, soy etc)
• 160g self raising flour    

1. Melt butter in TM 40 sec, 50 deg, speed 4
2. Add the 2 bananas, egg, milk and sugar to bowl, 5 sec, speed 6 until combined with butter, scrape down sides and mix again if necessary
3. Add flour, 4-5 sec, speed 4 until combined, scrapes sides again if necessary.
4. Position moulds or silicone muffin tray in Varoma, place slices of banana in each cup and pour over cake batter.
5. Clean TM bowl and add 900g water. Position Varoma over the lid.
6. Cook Varoma temp, 25 minutes, speed 1 or until skewer comes out clean. 

Great served warm with a caramel sauce or coconut custard. Fabulous cold too. 

 I used my square ramekins in the Tupperware microsteamer, cut the cooking time down the 14 minutes as the ramekins were smaller. I'd already 'tested' one for quality control at this stage :)

                                                     End result of the Tupperware cakes

the Tupperware silicone cake form in the Varoma at the end of cooking. This form is a large muffin form so if using silicone cupcake moulds they would be a bit smaller.

Guilt trip

So once again I've left it quite a few weeks to write another update, I don't do it on purpose I'm just forgetful as all hell lately (thanks chemo).

I've been feeling really good lately, I've been put on a tablet for my thyroid levels as they were massively high (talking 91 when it should be like 3) and this has helped with symptoms I was putting down to the tamoxifen. I'm back at work on full time hours  and I'm a lot happier with actually going to work now. There's no dread when I wake up in the morning and wishing I had the flu just so I could get out of work.

Life is moving forward, I'm having some reconstruction done on Tuesday for my wonky boobs and I'm excited and nervous (who isn't in the face of more surgery). We're buying Chris a new car as lord knows the guys been pretty damn patient and my savior. It's his very first (and probably our last) brand new car and I'm super excited for him. I splurged and bought a thermomix so we'll see how my kitchen escapades go with using that. Softball has been great fun for me over the summer, we may not win every week but all the girls are great fun and really friendly. It's been just what I need, getting out there and meeting new people and playing the game I love. I even managed to hit a home run today.

One downside that has started to show itself is that I'm made to feel guilty for having a bit of good fortune in our life. After the horror of 11 months we went through last year I thought we were finally moving forward and that everyone would be happy for us but unfortunately that hasn't been the case. Chris and I both work hard to be able to buy the things we do and it's not fair that we're being made to feel like we're bad people for enjoying what we've worked for. I'm not rubbing things in peoples faces, I just want to share the happiness I'm now finally experiencing after what was the worst year of my life.

Anyway I've got that off my chest and I'm continuing forward without looking back .

I'm off to go make me some banana bread in my thermi.

Night all.

me - 12 months on

holy cow November is the month for anniversaries for me now. It's now been 12 months since my BC diagnosis and surgery and today is my 4th wedding anniversary.

People keep asking me 'so you're ok now?' and I don't know how to answer. I feel physically ok in that I am no longer doing chemo where I feel ill and tired and achy all the time, I've finished radiation and my burns have healed but I'm not ok mentally. I spent so many months concentrating on myself and getting better that going back to 'normal' has been hard. I find myself wondering how I managed before C. The trouble is treatment ended but the scars and physical and mental reminders remain. I can't sit or lay quietly because my thoughts become consumed with the 'what ifs'. What if it comes back? What if I can't have kids? What if the doctor had just run tests sooner when I went in with the lump under my arm? What if I lose my job because of the time off I need to see my doctors?

It's hard not to let these things overcome me and it is getting a little easier and I look forward to the day where I don't have these things stuck in my head and when I can look in a mirror and feel like the old me, the carefree person who was on the verge of having what was going to be the most exciting year/journey of her life. I still pine for what could have been but there's no point in getting myself worked up over it, I choose to think that we're getting additional time to get our lives in order to a good place where it makes things easier in the future.

Onto less depressing matters. We went away last weekend to Busselton so I could cross something off my non-bucket bucket list. I actually went through with it and fell out of a functioning plane at 14000ft. It was the most exhilarating and liberating thing I've done and I felt so calm about it all. I wouldn't have been able to do it if I hadn't lost weight. 48kg gone (hopefully forever but I'm realistic that I may regain some eventually) I can finally do things that I always wanted to or never felt confident enough to do. I actually bought and wore a bikini to the beach, the first in more than 20 years. The next step is hopefully having my breast reconstruction/augmentation and probably a tummy tuck to get rid of all the excess skin around my middle.

I think without having lost the weight my mental state would probably be a lot more fragile as I'd have all those self loathing demons to work against as well as fighting the C. Maybe having the sleeve was what saved my life, maybe if I'd been more insistent earlier in the year when I saw a GP about the lump under my arm the cancer might have been found sooner.

Well I think I've taken enough of everyone's time now with my drivel.

One last thing, seeing as it's my anniversary I just want to say that Christopher (no middle name) Bardsley I think you are the best thing since hot chips (and we both know how much I love hot chips). You make me feel like the most beautiful woman in the world, you give me confidence and pick me up when I'm down and through this absolute prick of a 12 months you've been my rock. I'm so happy that you laugh at the same things I do and that you think my lame quips and jokes are funny. I love that you GET me and I don't have to pretend to be a lady around you cause we laugh at each others farts. I love that you let me get my way 99% of the time. I love that being with you is so easy. You are my air, my life, my love. The last 4 years have definitely had its ups and downs but we're still here and still strong. Here's to many more decades of crazy, stupid love.

holy shit!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

look at me ma!

I actually went out in public with my tummy on show :)

the inner workings of my mind

WARNING: this post deals with a lot of emotion and my feelings on death so please do not read if you think this will make you feel uncomfortable. I don't want offers of help or counselling or your pity. I only wrote this as a way to get it out of my head and so that people can understand more.

well here we are again, I am at number 14 of 30 days of radiation.

Everything has been going well so far, I've had no burning, blistering or discolouring as yet so my fingers are crossed that I may come out with little damage to my skin. The skin around the scar on my breast is tightening so the scar is more pronounced but that honestly doesn't bother me as I see it as my warrior badge. One I will wear proudly to show I survived this bastard of a disease.

I've been left with my thoughts a lot these last 10 odd months, something which can be pretty dangerous. First and foremost in my mind are Kylie and another woman I knew who passed away from breast cancer a few years ago. These have been the only two people in my life that had cancer so I base a lot of my life and whats happening now on what happened with them which I know I shouldn't do as it's only going to make me feel worse but the thought is always there in my mind that this will be what gets me.

I think pretty much every day at least once I have thoughts that I'm going to die because of this and that scares the shit out of me. Some days I wish the cancer had just taken me.

I hear songs on my phone or on the radio and I think 'I must remember to write this down so they can play it at my funeral'. I think what sort of casket I'd like, what type of service it should be, whether I want to be taken back to Kalgoorlie or stay here in Perth. It's a morbid fascination but one I can't help and it actually brings me some peace of mind to know that I will have some input, that a part of me will be in the planning.

A lot of my hatred for this disease is the fact it may take away my ability to have children. Something that we wont know anything about for a couple more years. Don't get me wrong I have thoroughly enjoyed not having any periods for the last 10 months but it also makes me feel less like a woman. I see women I know on Facebook announcing their pregnancies, watching them grow, having their children and raising them and I know that it's something I may never get to experience and I hate them for that even though my problem has nothing to do with them. I hate them for having the things I want, the things that were meant to come to us this year.

I had only just begun to get my life back with my weight loss only to lose it 10 weeks later with my diagnosis. I was so angry and I still am. It's not fair.

Believe me when I saw I will continue to fight this crap, I am not giving up on living my life. I just wanted to share that it's not all rainbows and sunshine in my head.

One thing I want people to really understand is that although my treatment is finishing at the end of the month none of this magically disappears from my life. I wont ever forget this hellish 12 months, I will carry it with me always. The same way I will carry the fear of it coming back.

Remember me?

I've fallen off the wagon with writing these things and I now remember why I began this blog. Not only to have a record for myself but to keep all of you out there in the loop so I'm not repeating myself every other moment with people asking where I am in my treatment.

So here we go.

I had minor surgery on Tuesday to remove the last of the cancerous tissue that surrounded my tumor. My 'margins' should now be clear which means there should be no more cancer in what's left of my poor shriveled booby.

I will have another appointment with a radiation oncologist to get measured for my tattoos (itty bitty ones to mark where I'll get zapped) and hopefully the actual radiation will begin early August. I'll be doing between 5 and 7 weeks where I'll be going in each weekday for treatment.

After that I should be cancer free. Hooray!

I got to meet the inspiring Sam Johnson when he traveled into Perth a couple of weeks ago. I felt rejuvenated after speaking with him.

Been keeping myself busy as much as one can but I want to go back to work (just not my work haha).

Last night we went to the opening of the preview exhibition of 'You Are Beautiful' and I gave a short speech about my story and why I was participating. It's weird to have strangers come up to you and say that you're an inspiration, that I made them cry and want to hug you. But if I can help others then its worth it.

My hair is coming back at a snails pace which I am super happy about. I'm enjoying spending time with my dad while he's here for his treatment even if I do hear the same story about him leaving for Kalgoorlie  as soon as his last zapping is done each time I see him.

At the moment I only have one original fingernail left scratch that I now have none. Makes everyday tasks more difficult that's for sure.

Chris and I are enjoying taking the quad bike out and riding. As much as going fast on it scares me its pretty exhilarating at the same time. We just need to get out there more often.

That's my life up to date now I think.

Peace and love.

at the opening last night

my portrait

realising how much makeup makes me feel normal again

gussied up for the P!nk concert

meeting Sam Johnson

me being me