Sleepless in Secret Harbour

So here we are; it's 12.35am and I'm still awake despite going to bed 3 hours ago. I sit just me or does time seem to move quicker when your lying in bed not able to sleep? I was hoping I'd be able to have an early night tonight as I was up until 2am last night and awake at 8 this morning. That plus I have to be up at 4am today to take Chris to the airport isn't helping my situation at all. I'll most likely try and get some more sleep when I get home but I'm booked in to have my next chemo at 10am and I want to go to a couple of shops before that in case I feel like crap after.

I've been feeling well lately and hooray I wasn't hospitalised after my last treatment which was a nice break. But I've had an extra week off treatment this time (as with all my treatments for varying periods, one was even an extra 4 weeks off!) as my neutrophils (to do with the white blood cells and the bodies immunity to infections) were really low; like 0.9 on Monday and a normal persons is between1.5 and 7. So it's taken me a month to get to this point so I was doubtful when Dr Gan (my medical oncologist) said they would be up to a normal level today. Well waddaya know they're only at 1.1 today.

So naturally this makes me highly paranoid that I will end up back in hospital at some point in the next two weeks. I am seriously becoming a hermit for the first couple of weeks after treatment these days.

I've been truly amazed with the outpouring of kind words and support from the most unexpected of places; old high school acquaintances. The messages have been so lovely but their memories of me have really left me stumped, being told I had a kind face, lovely smile or friendly nature isn't how I remember myself or my high school experience. I always saw myself as the doggy looking overweight loner that people either ignored or made fun. I certainly never thought of myself as being these things that people have described me as. It's been a confidence booster so I thank you.

It's been fantastic having Chris home his last few swings off work. I'm laughing more and having more fun than I thought possible. Still feeling extreme amounts of guilt for all the work he does at home that I don't/can't anymore.

I attended my first BC support group this week and I chose to go to the one aimed for women under 40 as I'm struggling with the feelings I've been having of this making me into an older woman before my time. I had a lovely time and met some beautiful women who have given me a hope I don't think I had before that there will be life after cancer. I'm going to go again next month, my only gripe is its in Leederville and all this travel for appointments etc is starting to take its toll so I'm definitely dreading when the time comes for radiation and I need to go into the city each weekday. I feel for those that work in the city and do it every day.

As some/most of you know my friend Jamaine and I entered a cupcake competition a couple of weeks ago and won which advanced us to the grand final. This too has given me something to look forward to. Not only the competition but spending time with my closest friend. She's one of very few people who know me the best and I'm so grateful to have her in my life as well. Sadly my disease has opened my eyes to the fact that some of the people I counted as really good friends have backed away from me and its sad to see that happen. I realise friendships are two way streets so I am also to blame but I think a little consideration is needed for my situation. The good news is more people have stepped up than backed away and because of my BC I have reconnected with 2 great people and that makes me so happy. So to Rachel and Bethwyn thank you very much for making this sick chook  smile .

I think I'll leave this post here for now. It's 1am and I really need to try and get some sleep. I may add some more to this post tomorrow so stay tuned.

Xoxo
Kirby