People keep asking me 'so you're ok now?' and I don't know how to answer. I feel physically ok in that I am no longer doing chemo where I feel ill and tired and achy all the time, I've finished radiation and my burns have healed but I'm not ok mentally. I spent so many months concentrating on myself and getting better that going back to 'normal' has been hard. I find myself wondering how I managed before C. The trouble is treatment ended but the scars and physical and mental reminders remain. I can't sit or lay quietly because my thoughts become consumed with the 'what ifs'. What if it comes back? What if I can't have kids? What if the doctor had just run tests sooner when I went in with the lump under my arm? What if I lose my job because of the time off I need to see my doctors?
It's hard not to let these things overcome me and it is getting a little easier and I look forward to the day where I don't have these things stuck in my head and when I can look in a mirror and feel like the old me, the carefree person who was on the verge of having what was going to be the most exciting year/journey of her life. I still pine for what could have been but there's no point in getting myself worked up over it, I choose to think that we're getting additional time to get our lives in order to a good place where it makes things easier in the future.
Onto less depressing matters. We went away last weekend to Busselton so I could cross something off my non-bucket bucket list. I actually went through with it and fell out of a functioning plane at 14000ft. It was the most exhilarating and liberating thing I've done and I felt so calm about it all. I wouldn't have been able to do it if I hadn't lost weight. 48kg gone (hopefully forever but I'm realistic that I may regain some eventually) I can finally do things that I always wanted to or never felt confident enough to do. I actually bought and wore a bikini to the beach, the first in more than 20 years. The next step is hopefully having my breast reconstruction/augmentation and probably a tummy tuck to get rid of all the excess skin around my middle.
I think without having lost the weight my mental state would probably be a lot more fragile as I'd have all those self loathing demons to work against as well as fighting the C. Maybe having the sleeve was what saved my life, maybe if I'd been more insistent earlier in the year when I saw a GP about the lump under my arm the cancer might have been found sooner.
Well I think I've taken enough of everyone's time now with my drivel.
One last thing, seeing as it's my anniversary I just want to say that Christopher (no middle name) Bardsley I think you are the best thing since hot chips (and we both know how much I love hot chips). You make me feel like the most beautiful woman in the world, you give me confidence and pick me up when I'm down and through this absolute prick of a 12 months you've been my rock. I'm so happy that you laugh at the same things I do and that you think my lame quips and jokes are funny. I love that you GET me and I don't have to pretend to be a lady around you cause we laugh at each others farts. I love that you let me get my way 99% of the time. I love that being with you is so easy. You are my air, my life, my love. The last 4 years have definitely had its ups and downs but we're still here and still strong. Here's to many more decades of crazy, stupid love.
holy shit!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
look at me ma!
I actually went out in public with my tummy on show :)
