WARNING: this post deals with a lot of emotion and my feelings on death so please do not read if you think this will make you feel uncomfortable. I don't want offers of help or counselling or your pity. I only wrote this as a way to get it out of my head and so that people can understand more.
well here we are again, I am at number 14 of 30 days of radiation.
Everything has been going well so far, I've had no burning, blistering or discolouring as yet so my fingers are crossed that I may come out with little damage to my skin. The skin around the scar on my breast is tightening so the scar is more pronounced but that honestly doesn't bother me as I see it as my warrior badge. One I will wear proudly to show I survived this bastard of a disease.
I've been left with my thoughts a lot these last 10 odd months, something which can be pretty dangerous. First and foremost in my mind are Kylie and another woman I knew who passed away from breast cancer a few years ago. These have been the only two people in my life that had cancer so I base a lot of my life and whats happening now on what happened with them which I know I shouldn't do as it's only going to make me feel worse but the thought is always there in my mind that this will be what gets me.
I think pretty much every day at least once I have thoughts that I'm going to die because of this and that scares the shit out of me. Some days I wish the cancer had just taken me.
I hear songs on my phone or on the radio and I think 'I must remember to write this down so they can play it at my funeral'. I think what sort of casket I'd like, what type of service it should be, whether I want to be taken back to Kalgoorlie or stay here in Perth. It's a morbid fascination but one I can't help and it actually brings me some peace of mind to know that I will have some input, that a part of me will be in the planning.
A lot of my hatred for this disease is the fact it may take away my ability to have children. Something that we wont know anything about for a couple more years. Don't get me wrong I have thoroughly enjoyed not having any periods for the last 10 months but it also makes me feel less like a woman. I see women I know on Facebook announcing their pregnancies, watching them grow, having their children and raising them and I know that it's something I may never get to experience and I hate them for that even though my problem has nothing to do with them. I hate them for having the things I want, the things that were meant to come to us this year.
I had only just begun to get my life back with my weight loss only to lose it 10 weeks later with my diagnosis. I was so angry and I still am. It's not fair.
Believe me when I saw I will continue to fight this crap, I am not giving up on living my life. I just wanted to share that it's not all rainbows and sunshine in my head.
One thing I want people to really understand is that although my treatment is finishing at the end of the month none of this magically disappears from my life. I wont ever forget this hellish 12 months, I will carry it with me always. The same way I will carry the fear of it coming back.
